terrific dreams
when i’m about 4 years old. all i dreamed about is a white and long wedding dress, bringing my favorite lilies flower, with daddy holding my arms walking down through the aisle.
around 3 years older, i knew that i won’t walking down the aisle. cause i’ll be married in mosque. will still have daddy there. but somehow it breaks my heart the time i knew i won’t wear that kinda white long dress and i won’t be able to bring any kind of flowers on my hand.
getting older at 15 something, all i dreamed about was only, i really wanna meet someone who will perfectly marry me around 20 years old. i’ve never felt too young to be married. it’s all what i dreamed of this whole life.
at 17 something, i’m started to adored woman with kebaya. they looks 3 times prettier wearing those thing. and i’m so proud that later on, i’m sure i’ll wear those thing in my wedding ceremony. i’m having my own favorite mosque. and i’m dreaming of the building that i will rent that day. yes still about wedding, marriage, and that stuff.
at 20 years old, i’ve met someone. later on i known him as a completely jerk. with him and all of his bulshit promises, again and again i kept on live on my fairy-tales wedding. how many children we would have, where our house would build, anything like that silly conversation. then i found out he was cheated on me.
after 20 something, this whole life’s dream seems scarier for me. married couple’s divorces, abuses, having babies, or not having babies, intern conflict with the partner’s family, people’s get hurts, our children’s get hurts and i’m not sure if i can stand to see my parents get hurts. yes it becomes such a terrified dreams for me.
then i’ve met a guy around 7 months ago. he’s completely an eligible guy for me. i don’t know how, i don’t know when exactly the times, all i know he’s successfully made me fell in love and i haven’t gotten up since. all i know, i don’t want anyone else, i don’t feels like i want to find a better one. he’s more than enough. i’ve never dreamed to be married with him. yes we’re different. he might be walking down the aisle, and i have to be married in mosque. we simply can’t be together. but there are few times i was hoping something. something that i know won’t be ever happens. i simply wanna spend my life with him. in any way.
last Saturday i’ve met his family. such an awesome night for me too see his number one priorities of life. everything’s goes well till i got home and felt really sad. knowing that family i’ve met won’t ever be mine. the other words, their little boy won’t ever be someone who i can spend this rest of times.
the day after, i went to my ex’s wedding party. went there with the boy. and again i got home felt so hurts. knowing that happiest laugh of the bride seeing her groom won’t be my happiest smile seeing him. i don’t know if i can stand to see another guy take his place. to see another guy looking through my eyes and all i see might be still him. i don’t know if i can stand to see he’s coming to my wedding with whoever his next lover is. all i know it would kill me anyway if i have to watch him walking down the aisle with whoever luckiest girl out there. yes it will completely kills me.
i just wish i could sleep without worrying those things. i wish i could sleep well and i wake up and knowing i won’t ever loose him. i’m terrified dear God, i’m freaking out. i’m afraid that i couldn’t love any other guys than him. i’m afraid i would be married with someone i can’t love as much as i loves this guy.
and here i am now, 23rd years old. all i dream about is……. i wanna be married at…… Gosh this things absolutely terrified me and it made me loose my breath!
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
In a time when nothing is more certain than change, the commitment of two people to one another has become difficult and rare. Yet, by its scarcity, the beauty and value of this exchange have only been enhanced. ~Robert Sexton
A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. ~Paul Sweeney
Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose. ~Beverley Nichols
One of the good things that come of a true marriage is, that there is one face on which changes come without your seeing them; or rather there is one face which you can still see the same, through all the shadows which years have gathered upon it. ~George MacDonald
Dear Almighty God, If you’ve ever give me permission to be married with this guy, the guy i really loves, i would do that in a heartbeat. But if don’t just please give me time to be with him. and when it comes to an end. Let him meet a better lover than me. who would sacrifice more than i would. who would taking care of his healthiness, his moodiness, his bad habit of drinking beers and alcohols, who would never tired to remember every little things he always forget, to remind him that he’s smoking too much cigarettes a day. who would understand him only with looking his eyes, who never get bored to cuddling with him, and let him give a kiss as much as he wants. who would totally understand when he gets tired and leave us to sleep, and never stop hug him even when he’s asleep. cause if you do that he’ll awake. And trust me, he would do the same things in return. God, listen to me this time. He deserves a good girl. give him Your best.
I’m badly dying too see those heart-warming smiles everytime he’s awake and find me next to him. i can’t stand to imagine, that oneday, that eyes don’t look at mine and those smile don’t belong to me anymore.
see, how terrific marriage is for me? :”(
